The Final Countdown

G'day

If my year in Melbourne were an Aussie footy match then the third quarter would have just finished and I'd be about to start the final quarter. Yes, it's been nine months since I arrived and exactly three months until I leave - but let's not think about that too much (sorry Britain, but while I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, I'd be quite happy spending another six months to a year in Melbourne).

So, in the tradition of retrospectives, I'd thought I'd look back over the last three months and dispense some more words of wisdom (or bullshit, as some of my mates here may tell me) about Australia and Australians.

What I've read
As you may remember, during my year here I'm only reading Australian literature. I'm a pretty slow reader (I usually read in bed and it's a trigger for falling asleep so if I manage a chapter that's quite an achievement) so there haven't been that many tomes added to the list, but there've been some goodies - and one real stinker!

• Three Dollars by Elliott Perlman - pretentious and overly (unsuccessfully) profound book about Melbourne's recession in the 90s, but the portrayal of the city is interesting, especially at the end, which all takes place about five minutes from where I live.
• Town Like Alice by Neville Shute - I read this because I was going to Alice Springs (the Alice of the title) but actually the whole point of this hideous, racist, dull-beyond-belief book is that the main female protagonist wants to change a smll town in Queensland into a 'town like Alice' and Alice Springs features hardly at all. Avoid this book at all costs!
• An Imaginary Life by David Malouf - an extraordinary book. It's about an exiled Roman poet (Ovid) and his friendship with a wild boy that he meets, so it's not exactly brimming with Australian references or a bundle of laughs, but the author is a local and the writing is stunning (apparently there's a subtext about dispossessed aborigines and indigenous rights but you can enjoy it without knowing anything about that).
• The Idea of Perfection by Kate Grenville - two books by the same author might seem a bit limiting (I also read her The Secret River) but she has an ability to write in very different but equally appealling styles. This one is about a small community and a broken bridge. Sounds dull. Isn't.

Things I don't like about Melbourne/Australia
Let's get the bad stuff out of the way first. Things that get on my nerves here, in no particular order:

• Lack of plugs in sinks - for a nation that is keen on saving water (and needs to be) it's astonishing that I have yet to see a plug in a sink in a bathroom, meaning if you're washing your face or shaving or whatever you have to leave the tap running (or keep turning it on and off but who's going to do that?).
• Adverts - have I mentioned these before? Seriously, not only are there so many ad breaks on TV with so many adverts that you forget what you were watching, but they're so bad that you wonder how stupid the ad agencies' employees are to come up with them and how stupid Australians are to watch them.
• Lack of heating - news flash Melbourne, it does get quite cold in winter. Not UK cold. It never snows in Melbourne and the temperature during the day is pleasantly in double digits, but at night it's chilly and yet most homes have only the most basic of heating, if any. In denial would be a psychiatrist's conclusion.
• Public transport - now I know I've mentioned this before but come on, trams that are difficult to board even for able-bodied people and which run every 15 minutes, and an appallingly inefficient train system do not a public transport system make.
• Cars - so what do you do if you live in a city with a useless transport system? You drive of course. Everywhere. On your own (anyone heard of car sharing?). In stupidly big cars. And then you complain about the amount of traffic on the roads as if you weren't actually part of the problem.
• Parrochial news - so it's the six o'clock news. There are wars going on. A global recession. Etc, etc, but what's the main news story on the Melbourne news? Usually something about a traffic jam in the eastern suburbs.
• Winter - it's soooo boring! Yes, the weather's not bad but there's nothing to do. At least in the northern hemisphere you have Christmas and New Year to see you through the short, cold days. Here it's just June, July, August.

Things I like about Melbourne/Australia

• Naming songs in programme ads - you know when you watch TV and they advertise a new programme, maybe a new series or something, and they use a song, often a recent one, as the soundtrack to the ad, and you sit there thinking 'What's the name of that song again?'. Well, here they put the name of the song on the screen so you know what you're listening to. Little things...
• Bag packing in supermarkets - get ready Sainsburys cos I'm going to be complaining when I get back. About what? About the fact that in every supermarket here you just dump your trolley/basket at the till and the assistant packs everything into bags. You pay, pick up the bags and leave. It's great. Little things 2.
• Melbourne making an effort - so yes, winter's dull, but I have to admit that Melbourne does make a big effort to make it less so. At the moment there's a film festival on, and next weekend is the city's Open House (when usually-closed buildings open up to the public). Maybe it comes out of the city's inferiority complex with Sydney, but who cares? It makes it a more interesting place to live.
• AFL - I LOVE Aussie football. Not just the game itself, but the good-humoured enthusiasm people have for it.
• Australians - and last but not least, and following on nicely from my reason for loving the AFL, come Australians themselves. Even in a city as big as Melbourne there's a politeness, friendliness and sense of humour that's like the British at their best, but here it's all the time. There's a simplicity to Australians (which isn't the same as saying they're simple) that makes them a joy to be around. Three months from now it'll be a sad day saying goodbye.

And that's it for now. More (some) photos next time.

G'ye

Cliff

A weekend of two halves

G'day

So it's been a bit quiet on the blogging front recently, mainly because Melbourne in winter is a bit dull (or maybe I'm a bit dull in winter). Either way, last weekend was an exception and was rather good as I indulged in two great Melbourne traditions - the footy (Australian Rules Football - so not the real thing) and an exhibition (at the National Gallery of Victoria - not really that great a Melbourne tradition but work with me people).

The Foody
No, that's not a spelling mistake but an attempt to spell 'footy' as it's pronounced by Aussies (see also: 'you bewdy', 'warder' - for what comes out of the tap - etc). If I had a dollar for every time a Melbourne mate has said "Cliff, I'll take you to a foody game" then I'd be very rich (you know who you are!), and unfortunately this weekend I got no closer to a live game at the MCG or even the Etihad Stadium (the two big grounds here), but I did enjoy a match on the tv in the company of fans of the two opposing teams and with a selection of traditional food (correct spelling, not connected to the foody - or maybe it is?) with mini pies and spinach/cheese filos for me.

It was two of the biggest teams playing, Carlton (the Blues) and Collingwood (the Pies), both of whom are sitting close to the top of the ladder (league) at the moment. In the end it was a decent game (I guess - what the hell do I know?) with Collingwood winning by around 20 points.

Carlton (in blue, hence their nickname) and Collingwood (in the black and white stripes - I think the nickname is the abbreviation of magpies rather than a reference to all the meat pies they eat. But what the hell do I know?)

Anyone who knows me, knows that I find it hard bordering on soporific to watch any sport, but there's something about Aussie football that doesn't put me off as much as, say, watching golf, and I think it's the fast-paced nature of the game that does it. While normal football can end in a nil-nil draw, foody frequently ends up with scores in the hundreds, meaning it's far more exciting to watch. But before I become the world's biggest foody evangelist I'll move on to Sunday (though I'm still waiting for that invite to an actual match, Melbourne mates!).

The exhibition
One thing I miss about London (and there aren't that many) are the exhibitions. Many a pleasant afternoon has been spent in the National Gallery, British Museum, Tate Modern etc, taking in a bit of culture, and Melbourne just doesn't have the number of galleries or the clout to pull in and host big name shows. The National Gallery of Victoria (I still don't know what exactly's 'national' about it when Victoria's not a nation) is no exception. Its collection is nice enough but you wouldn't travel any great distance to visit. All that said, a current exhibition there piqued my interest. It's on the Secessonists, a movement that emerged in Vienna at the end of the 19th/beginning of the 20th centuries. They were involved in architecture, painting and design and even though you might think you've never heard of these Secessionists, I guarantee you'll recognise one of the paintings below. And despite costing $24 (£16) it was worth it and provided a nice counterpoint to the Saturday foody.

Klimt's The Kiss - come on, you must have heard of this one!

Another Klimt picture, this one called Baby. Can you see it? Took me a while.

And so my weekend of two halves came to an end. Maybe Melbourne isn't so dull after all (or maybe I'm not). There are a few more outings on the cards and the days are getting longer so come back soon for more.

G'bye.
Cliff

The OK Ocean Road

G'day

Another weekend, another day trip.

I'd taken it easy on Saturday (after a late-ish night on Friday, bidding a fond-ish farewell to the Lonely Planet band at their last ever gig - at least that's what they've promised) so was raring to go on Sunday on the long drive that is the journey to the Great Ocean Road. My companions would be Huw the chauffeur (for the day; his normal job is something else) and Sheema (who you may remember from lamingtons and wine tasting).

The GOR (as I'm sure most Australians abbreviate it) is considered (by most Australians) as a world-class road trip. The hype is all about the rugged cliffs, the beautiful eucalyptus forests reaching to the shore, the rugged sea stacks and the quaint villages, so I was expecting quite a lot. It's a long drive for a day trip and heading off in the wind and rain, it didn't bode well, but an hour into the drive the clouds started clearing and we ended up with perfect blue skies - but would the GOR live up to the hype?

First stop was Wye River where we had brunch before continuing along the windy road past lighthouses and great views along the Victorian coastline.

Now you see him.

Now you don't. (Can't remember the name of the beach but it's pretty).

After a stretch of inland road, passing through some lovely eucalyptus forests (the Otway National Park), we emerged at the most famous part of the GOR - the Twelve Apostles.

The Twelve Apostles - there aren't twelve and they're not apostles.

Sheema and I try to up the number of apostles.

Sheema having given up on her apostle impression, Huw decided to give it a go. Not bad, Huw, not bad. I seem to have the same fixed grin on my face in every photo (which I'll call 'my Australia Face' from now on).

Two more apostles. They'd had an argument with the others and stropped off.

Arty Twelve Apostles shot.

If you're stupid enough to wander round unstable cliffs isn't it better that you do DIE to improve the gene pool?

Maybe my 'Australia Face' is a sign of being unstable and/or dangerous.

Just along from the Fewer Than Twelve Apostles is another famous stretch of the GOR known as the Shipwreck Coast (no prizes for guessing why). Over the years a lot of ships have been wrecked here and a lot of people drowned.

This is where the Loch Ard ship sank in 1878. It had come all the way from England and was just one day away from Melbourne when it sank in the middle of the night. Only two people survived (out of around seventy).

After the Shipwreck Coast we headed to a small seaside town called Port Campbell where we had lots of chips to fuel up before the long drive back.

So what was my overall impression of the Great Ocean Road? Well, it was nice enough but the only thing 'great' was spending the day with Huw and Sheema. The road itself is similar to lots of other stretches of road I've been along in Spain and the UK (Cornwall, stand up!) so let's just say, if it were up to me, it'd be renamed the OK Ocean Road (sorry Victoria!).


G'bye for now.

Cliff