Drop bears and rangas

G'day

I've been wondering whether to share this or keep it a secret but have decided that I'm no good at keeping secrets so here goes. As soon as you arrive in Australia you start talking to people about the wildlife. It's only natural as the country has lots of unique and amazing creatures. Koalas, kangaroos, wombats, platypuses and, though you may not have heard of them, drop bears.

"Watch out for drop bears," they say, "they fall out of the trees and hit you on the head."

"Really?" you say, "But I've never heard of drop bears. Are they like koalas?"

"Kinda," the Aussie will say, "but they fall out of trees and hit you on the head."

And so for a few weeks you wander around, looking out for these drop bears, telling your new Aussie friends that you've been lucky so far to which they always reply "But be careful because they fall out of trees and hit you on head." It's the same sentence every time as if everyone in the country had been programmed to say it - which is sort of what happened as the whole thing is one big Australian joke. There are no drop bears. They don't fall out of trees because they don't exist. They were invented by Australians to give them a laugh at the expense of visitors and everybody seems to be in on the joke. To be honest it is pretty funny and I'll definitely join in if someone from the UK comes over and starts talking about the wildlife. Unless it's one of you, dear readers, as now you know the truth.

And so to rangas. What's a ranga you ask? Well this time they do actually exist. I'll give you a clue. I'm one. Julia Roberts is one. Chris Evans is one. Bonnie Langford is (was? is she still alive?) one. Have you got it yet? If I tell you that ranga is short for orangutan does that help? Yes, that's right, rangas is the delightful Australian term for ginger people. Insulting enough and when said with a strong Australian accent - well, words can't describe it.

And speaking of indescribable things, I'm at a loss to understand the excitement generated by the visit of Oprah Winfrey to Australia. She flew over (with 300 US audience members and her whole production team) to spend a few days here (Sydney, Great Barrier Reef, Uluru, Melbourne) and you'd think Jesus had shown up. There were women crying on TV screaming "I love you Oprah!" and thousands queued to be audience members at outdoor recordings by the Opera House. Who knew she was so popular still? Not me. Plus $5 million were spent on her visit which means that I, as a current tax payer here, helped pay for this over-hyped circus. Apparently, to quote Oprah "Lots of Americans have never even heard of Australia but will watch the programme and want to visit". Seriously Australia, if someone is so thick that they haven't even heard of your country, do you really want them visiting?

And that's enough musings for now (especially given the lack of photos. Again. I know, sorry). Don't worry though - I've got more Christmas dos (crown green bowling - we know how to party), trips to see penguins parading, and the England v Australia Test match all coming up so there'll be plenty of pics for those.

G'bye for now.

Cliff